Flannery O'Connor wrote, "Don't let me ever think, dear God, that I was anything but the instrument for Your story. Just like the typewriter was mine."
Do you ever forget that you're not the one running the show here? That as much choice and freedom as we have over our own lives, we are not ultimately the ones who make the final edits to send our story off to press each day? I'm pretty much the number one offender of thinking that I run my own life. That everything I've accomplished, I've done on my own. Moreover, that everything will happen as I'd like to write it. When I take a step outside of myself to actually look at the story I'm living, it is so blatantly obvious that this 26 year-long (and counting) autobiography, has NEVER played out the way that I tried to originally write it. Thankfully, God has so faithfully cemented a yield sign at every single point in my life where I thought I could re-write the map on my own. When I look back at the road that I would've tripped down had I disregarded those yield signs, I am eternally grateful that I was granted eyes to see the bigger story unfolding outside of my little self and a spirit brave and willing enough to die to my own selfishness. If you told me 7 years ago that I would be writing all of the words that I just did, I wouldn't believe you. I would tell you that God is a controlling dictator who just wants me to "follow the rules" and be a puppet. No, I wouldn't be one of those crazy people.
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I wrote this back in November 2014 but never posted it or did anything with it. I just needed to write that day. But, oh, how relevant this topic is once again. So looking forward to a restful day tomorrow. My anxiety has come in like a bulldozer over the past month so today I am so full of hope that Jesus will take me over once again as I reflect on who He is and who He tells me I truly am.
With head bowed and empty hands wide open, it was certainly not the first time God had convicted me about how desperately I needed rest. I was at the end of my sufficiency, again. I was overwhelmed, again. Student teaching, graduate school, a part-time job, applying to new jobs, trying to still have a social life; I couldn’t and didn’t want to do it all anymore and I started to doubt that God would ever lead me out of this time where the light at the end of the tunnel barely managed a faint glow. If there’s one thing I thought I believed without fail it’s that God is good and God is faithful, but I started to doubt that He would not delay in lavishing his goodness and faithfulness upon me. Child, you’ve forgotten who you are. As March came to a close I quickly realized I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I had wanted to. Yet, still I can say, "it is well". I am content with the small successes of March and am expectantly anticipating what April will bring. Because being content with what I have actually done is more important than wallowing in what I wanted to achieve but didn't. So here's the monthly look-back plus next months goals! In March, I... 1. Ran... twice. So, check for the "start half marathon training" goal? Don't judge me. It was still cold. And I was sick for two straight weeks. It was a slow three miles to get back into the running groove and, both times, by the end I literally collapsed onto the floor of the porch but, it felt really good to be out there again. 2. Thanks to IF:Equip for launching an Easter study right after the Hebrews study I can check off my goal to stay in the Word! My conclusions from this study: Jesus is without a doubt the real deal. 3. Didn't write chapter one but I did finish the outline. I'm okay with it. Writing has always been a slow process for me. A process that's also full of doubt. Just going to take the progress on this book as it comes. 4. Being sick for two weeks meant birthday fun didn't happen. Oh well. In April, I will... 1. RUN! Seriously. Especially because I have a Spartan Race at the end of May. I'm feeling okay about the obstacles because of CrossFit (I mean, I'll still probably want to die but, whatever) but I'm worried about actually covering distance. 2. Faith goal for April is to look to God more than I look at my circumstances. While dying on the cross Jesus didn't answer his mockers because his ear was tuned to his Father. If Jesus, in his most fully human moment, could tighten his grip on God as the literal weight of the world physically and spiritually tore him from our Father, surely I can do far better than I am right now. 3. Writing goal is to just write something. Literally anything. Even one sentence of this book. I need to focus on building myself up through small goals and successes when I write. Otherwise I get overwhelmed and fearful. 4. Apply to jobs. I hate job searching. Pray for me. Ask me if I'm applying. Hit me over the head if I hesitate. Let me know if you hear of any elementary job openings. Please and thank you. |
Author4th grade teacher. Writer. Justice-seeker. Encourager. CrossFitter. John 11:40. Archives
July 2017
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