I stopped writing because I fell victim to the fear that my writing isn’t good enough. That it’s pointless, purposeless, unnecessary. Even though, countless times, I have been told the very opposite of that. Even though people have reached out to tell me that my writing is good, honest, meaningful, and powerful and that they look forward to reading whatever I write next.
I stopped making art because I started to believe that lie that I wouldn’t be as good as the artists I follow on Instagram. Even though people have encouraged me start an Etsy shop. Even though people have paid me to create for them. I stopped seeing my purpose in my job as my disdain for it and my students grew and festered like a cancer. I believed the lie that I’d never be good enough; even though the feedback I had gotten from students and parents in the past was the farthest from “not good enough.” But this year, all I’ve felt is “not good enough;” because I stopped being who I am and fell into the vicious machine of this world. I stopped enjoying working out as I started to believe the lie that I needed to be “better, faster, stronger”. I’ve always been an athlete ever since my elementary years. I always loved all of the athletic endeavors I attempted because, to me, my purpose in playing was the joy I got out of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m competitive. I always have been, but I’ve always naturally made “the love of the game” my priority. So, I was able to be “stronger, better, faster,” without the pressure of being “stronger, better, faster;” simply because I loved what I was doing. I don’t know when I fell into the “stronger, better, faster” lie. The comparison trap lie. The “you must be like everyone else” lie. I don’t know when I started to lose sight of my value, purpose, and uniqueness as I slid into to trying to attain conformity with others rather than holding steadfastly confident to the truth of who I was created to be, and walking boldly in that truth. It was a slow, sneaky descent, but the journey downward has made the view here from the top that much more empowering. As I sit here after months of trying to get back to myself, my resolution - or maybe it’s more like a battle cry - is to stop the fallacy of “stronger, better, faster”. To cease striving and fall on grace and to do things “for the love” again. To write for the love of words, and sharing and the beauty of connecting with others. For the love of self-awareness and personal growth. To write because it makes me feel empowered and purposeful. To create art for the love of beauty, color, making mistakes, and inspiration. For the love of making a mess. For the love of looking at something I’ve created and being proud of it, and proud of myself as I remember the joy and peace I felt in the process. To create for the joy of focus and serenity. To teach for the love of humanity. For the love of finding joy in the practice of believing in another. For the love of sacrificial service to someone who may never be able to repay your kindness or return your investment in their lives. To workout for the love of movement. For the love of finding joy in strength. For the love of celebrating what my body can do, rather than succumbing to frustration and defeat over what it cannot. For the love of persevering. For the love of surprising myself as when I accomplish things I didn’t think I could. For the love of the fiercely empowering feeling of relentless determination when I set my mind to something. For the love of believing in myself. For the love of working to sustain this body so that it can live as long as possible, and experience as much of this life as possible. To love, joy, peace, purpose, faith, and confidence - thank you for letting me take you back.
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As my group of eight beautiful middle school girls scattered behind the blue curtains of the shoebox-sized dressing rooms in the pool locker room, I posted myself at the exit door as I waited for them to change. "Ugh, I'm so fat," came a voice from behind one of the curtains. "You are not fat," I retorted. "I used to be so skinny." "You look healthy. Which is exactly what you should be working for. Don't think about trying to be skinny," I suggested. "Make your goal to be healthy and strong." "Isn't skinny the same thing as healthy?" another girl asked. "Not always," I answered. More of the girls started to chime in about how their weight has changed, about what they eat, about the way their stomach looks, about how they hate the way their hair looks after they swim. My gosh, they are only 11-13 years old, I thought. Did I obsess that much about the way I looked when I was their age? I remembered that, yes, I definitely started to care about the way I looked around the time I was in middle school. In 7th grade I started straightening my hair, dabbled in the overwhelming world that is make-up and actually paid attention to what stores my clothes were coming from. I'm not sure if I so boldly verbalized my insecurities as these girls but I absolutely felt them internally, and so started the process of intentionally forming my self-identity. A process that did not end in a positive self-identity until probably only two years ago. In response to an incident a few days before, I only had one rule prior to that day in the locker room: Be kind or be quiet. But after the girls' heart-breaking chatter I added another: No more negative self-talk. I made that rule not only because it was upsetting that they so clearly saw their own flaws when all I saw were capable, talented, and beautifully unique young women; but because my own negative self-talk and thoughts throughout my pre-teen years, teenage years, and early-twenties because of what I thought I was "supposed" to be, landed me in a giant, messy, sticky web of insecurity, doubt, and feelings of "I'll never be good enough" that was so, so incredibly hard to break free from. I only really got rid of that mess and started to love my body when I learned to judge it based on what it could do, not on what it looked like. Although I grew up playing sports and always trying to find a way to be active, I still saw my body as something that should look a certain way as opposed to something that was made to function in a certain way. When I finally understood that, and changed the words I ascribed to myself from negative to positive - from words focused on self-doubt to words focused on my capabilities - it made all the difference. Because we can't always control what we look like, and we really shouldn't try to. But we can control how well our bodies function. We can control how strong we are and we can control the goals we set for ourselves to make our bodies better than they were yesterday - not because we hate our bodies but because we love our bodies. Because we want to be the next better, stronger, faster, healthier version of ourselves. I've been obsessed with Rachel Platten's "Fight Song". Not only because it's the best running song for those moments when I'm on the brink of defeat, but because it's basically every girl's life anthem. In Always' latest #likeagirl campaign video, they found that 72% of girls feel that society limits them in some way. Somewhere along the way we learn what we can and can't do, what we should and shouldn't look or act like because we are women. It's upsetting because sometimes I feel like we've finally almost broken all gender stereotypes but then you listen to the young women around us today and realize that we're still pretty much drowning in the same stereotypes and gender discrimination as when we were that age. So, this one's for my girls. For my camp girls, and for every girl I've coached and taught. Maybe you'll finally be the ones to change the game. Let's hear those fight songs. Those take back your life songs. Those take back our identity songs <3 Two or so weeks from now will mark one year of my start at CrossFit. I feel like a "What I learned from 1 year of CrossFit" post is mandatory when you're a CrossFitter and a blogger. I also just want to write about this because I just really love CrossFit.
A lot of people say that CrossFit has changed their life. I don't know if I can honestly go to that extreme, but I can, without hesitation, say that it has changed me, and has changed me for the better. So, here we go. From 1 year of CrossFit, I learned... 1) Strong is beautiful, and strong feels great too. I thought I was strong before CrossFit, but now? Strong takes on a vastly different definition. It's not about how you look or even about how much you can lift. It's about how you value and take of your body. Similarly, beauty is also not about how you look and no, it's also not about how "it's what's on the inside that really counts". Beauty is the sheer grace and power that comes with being strong and owning that strength both physically ("on the outside") AND mentally/emotionally ("on the inside"). 2) You are stronger than you think you are. Ninety-five percent of the time I walk into class, the goals in my head are way too conservative. Primarily because sometimes I just don't think I can achieve the goals that I really want to. Yet, almost every time I end up lifting more and/or getting more reps or rounds in than I expected. It has taken some time, and I'm still working at it, but I've learned to shut-down that self-doubt almost as soon as I think it. Just remembering what I've already accomplished in that gym is the best reminder of just how much I am capable of. I mean, I started looking into CrossFit two and a half years ago but at first choose to do barre instead because I didn't think I'd make it even one day at CrossFit. Now I have year-end goals like 150# clean and jerk and 115# snatch. Which are not conservative goals for me... Which now brings me to the third thing I've learned... 3) Patience is everything. Snatching makes me want to cry. And it has. There are other movements that frustrate me too (more on that in point #4) but nothing makes me quite as...hm, how to say this... annoyed? irritated? angry? indignant? as snatching. I feel like I've gotten immeasurably better at everything in CrossFit EXCEPT FOR THIS AND IT'S THE WORST FEELING. THE WORST. Yet, I realized the other day that I've made small improvements and that's just how it has to be. I realized that the days I patiently chip away at my weak spots, those are some of the best days I've had in the gym. Isn't that true about life too? We're so much more fulfilled when we patiently work to make ourseves better at something rather than just trying it and having no problems or struggle. Okay, back to CrossFit... So, patience is required to even be good at this particular movement at all. Patience is something I have in abundance for others but not really something I have for myself. Thankfully there are coaches who model that patience with and for me and will say, "Just be patient. Take your time. Your biggest problem patience," over and over and over again for as many times as I need to hear it. Their steady patience calms me down and helps me work on my own. And thankfully there are coaches who also keep believing in me, guiding me, correcting me, extending grace to me no matter how many times it might feel like I'm directing my frustrations towards them :) Now bringing me to #4... Another month has come and gone and now we're half way through the year?? How can that be?!
May was a great month. Full of joys and trials and persevering and hoping. Some doors closed, some news ones started to open and I really focused on being still and patient, and listening more than doing. In May, I... 1) left my 5th graders. Some of them I miss terribly but others...well, let's just say that if I ever see them again it will be too soon. Just being honest. It was a tough 5 months of being thrown headfirst into teaching. But, much like our faith, I found that my teaching practice was definitely best refined through fire. C.S. Lewis wrote, "Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn." Yeah, he was right. 2) ran a 5K and a Spartan Race! The 5K was super fun. It was for the Madison Education Foundation and I ran with one of my students. She did a superstar job and I'm still so proud of her for not giving up even though she cramped pretty badly! The Spartan was rough. The obstacles weren't too bad but it was on a ski mountain so like 75% of the race was uphill. Terrible. Just terrible. BUT I feel super accomplished and I would totally do another one. Maybe not until next year though... 3) started reading for pleasure again. I <3 reading. Like, a lot. I used to spend the entirety of my Saturdays sitting in one spot and reading a book cover to cover. I still do it now if I can. Those are some of the best days. In June, I will... 1) blog more. Seriously. I wrote two posts last months. 2 posts in 30 days. That's just sad. 2) cheer on friends at the Super Steelfit finals at Jenks!! So proud of my friends and CANNOT wait to see them crush their competition. 3) see Lady Antebellum, Hunter Hayes, and SAM HUNT in concert at PNC this Friday with one of my very best friends and whole reason I even listen to country music in the first place. So happy that she didn't end our friendship when I rolled my eyes at her pick-up truck with country blasting from the open windows. 4) be more prayerful about my the future of my career and ambitions and life goals in general. As March came to a close I quickly realized I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I had wanted to. Yet, still I can say, "it is well". I am content with the small successes of March and am expectantly anticipating what April will bring. Because being content with what I have actually done is more important than wallowing in what I wanted to achieve but didn't. So here's the monthly look-back plus next months goals! In March, I... 1. Ran... twice. So, check for the "start half marathon training" goal? Don't judge me. It was still cold. And I was sick for two straight weeks. It was a slow three miles to get back into the running groove and, both times, by the end I literally collapsed onto the floor of the porch but, it felt really good to be out there again. 2. Thanks to IF:Equip for launching an Easter study right after the Hebrews study I can check off my goal to stay in the Word! My conclusions from this study: Jesus is without a doubt the real deal. 3. Didn't write chapter one but I did finish the outline. I'm okay with it. Writing has always been a slow process for me. A process that's also full of doubt. Just going to take the progress on this book as it comes. 4. Being sick for two weeks meant birthday fun didn't happen. Oh well. In April, I will... 1. RUN! Seriously. Especially because I have a Spartan Race at the end of May. I'm feeling okay about the obstacles because of CrossFit (I mean, I'll still probably want to die but, whatever) but I'm worried about actually covering distance. 2. Faith goal for April is to look to God more than I look at my circumstances. While dying on the cross Jesus didn't answer his mockers because his ear was tuned to his Father. If Jesus, in his most fully human moment, could tighten his grip on God as the literal weight of the world physically and spiritually tore him from our Father, surely I can do far better than I am right now. 3. Writing goal is to just write something. Literally anything. Even one sentence of this book. I need to focus on building myself up through small goals and successes when I write. Otherwise I get overwhelmed and fearful. 4. Apply to jobs. I hate job searching. Pray for me. Ask me if I'm applying. Hit me over the head if I hesitate. Let me know if you hear of any elementary job openings. Please and thank you. My wonderful friend Kaitie does something on her blog at the end of each month where she looks back on a few things she accomplished and then looks ahead to set goals for the coming month. I love it, so, I'm doing it too.
In January, I... 1. Started this blog I love writing but it can give me a lot of anxiety at the same time. I don't know if it's the perfectionist in me who is never quite satisfied with many of the things I produce, or if it's because I'm afraid of letting people down who have told me that they love my writing and want to see more of it. Honestly, it's probably some combination of both. But having this space to make my own has been wonderfully liberating so far and I'm excited for where it's going as I continue to build and shape it! 2. Registered for a half marathon Okay, technically my friend Jen registered me for it but whatever, the point is it that I'm running 13.1 miles in October! I'm so excited to get back into running. I've been doing CrossFit for almost 10 months now but haven't trained for any serious road races in a few years. I can't wait for the weather to warm up so I can start training. Obviously I could start now but I'm a wimp in the winter. Not trying to catch that terrible winter chill that never quite leaves you once you've got it. I'm running a Spartan race this year and a half marathon.
Just let that sink in. Okay, maybe that last line was more for me than for you. I'm actually going to have to try really hard. Push myself and not give up. If you read my last post you know that this is not going to be easy for me. Now, don't get me wrong, I love running. I got into running when I was working at the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and I was training for the Miami Half with Team in Training. But I'm not someone who can just start running and put a couple miles behind me without even realizing it. Oh, how I wish I was one of those people. Running comes easily to me to a point, then it gets really hard - and I want to just cut my losses and give up. Clearly this a cross-cutting theme of many areas of my life... But training for that half helped me learn how to start to believe in my ability and celebrate little victories. Each run would be better than the one before it. I'd make it a little further each time before feeling like I wanted to collapse. The only problem was that I wasn't able to actually do that race or continue my training because of a knee injury. |
Author4th grade teacher. Writer. Justice-seeker. Encourager. CrossFitter. John 11:40. Archives
July 2017
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