I stopped writing because I fell victim to the fear that my writing isn’t good enough. That it’s pointless, purposeless, unnecessary. Even though, countless times, I have been told the very opposite of that. Even though people have reached out to tell me that my writing is good, honest, meaningful, and powerful and that they look forward to reading whatever I write next.
I stopped making art because I started to believe that lie that I wouldn’t be as good as the artists I follow on Instagram. Even though people have encouraged me start an Etsy shop. Even though people have paid me to create for them. I stopped seeing my purpose in my job as my disdain for it and my students grew and festered like a cancer. I believed the lie that I’d never be good enough; even though the feedback I had gotten from students and parents in the past was the farthest from “not good enough.” But this year, all I’ve felt is “not good enough;” because I stopped being who I am and fell into the vicious machine of this world. I stopped enjoying working out as I started to believe the lie that I needed to be “better, faster, stronger”. I’ve always been an athlete ever since my elementary years. I always loved all of the athletic endeavors I attempted because, to me, my purpose in playing was the joy I got out of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m competitive. I always have been, but I’ve always naturally made “the love of the game” my priority. So, I was able to be “stronger, better, faster,” without the pressure of being “stronger, better, faster;” simply because I loved what I was doing. I don’t know when I fell into the “stronger, better, faster” lie. The comparison trap lie. The “you must be like everyone else” lie. I don’t know when I started to lose sight of my value, purpose, and uniqueness as I slid into to trying to attain conformity with others rather than holding steadfastly confident to the truth of who I was created to be, and walking boldly in that truth. It was a slow, sneaky descent, but the journey downward has made the view here from the top that much more empowering. As I sit here after months of trying to get back to myself, my resolution - or maybe it’s more like a battle cry - is to stop the fallacy of “stronger, better, faster”. To cease striving and fall on grace and to do things “for the love” again. To write for the love of words, and sharing and the beauty of connecting with others. For the love of self-awareness and personal growth. To write because it makes me feel empowered and purposeful. To create art for the love of beauty, color, making mistakes, and inspiration. For the love of making a mess. For the love of looking at something I’ve created and being proud of it, and proud of myself as I remember the joy and peace I felt in the process. To create for the joy of focus and serenity. To teach for the love of humanity. For the love of finding joy in the practice of believing in another. For the love of sacrificial service to someone who may never be able to repay your kindness or return your investment in their lives. To workout for the love of movement. For the love of finding joy in strength. For the love of celebrating what my body can do, rather than succumbing to frustration and defeat over what it cannot. For the love of persevering. For the love of surprising myself as when I accomplish things I didn’t think I could. For the love of the fiercely empowering feeling of relentless determination when I set my mind to something. For the love of believing in myself. For the love of working to sustain this body so that it can live as long as possible, and experience as much of this life as possible. To love, joy, peace, purpose, faith, and confidence - thank you for letting me take you back.
1 Comment
Krista
4/21/2018 07:54:39 am
💗💗💗
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Author4th grade teacher. Writer. Justice-seeker. Encourager. CrossFitter. John 11:40. Archives
July 2017
Categories |