I stopped writing because I fell victim to the fear that my writing isn’t good enough. That it’s pointless, purposeless, unnecessary. Even though, countless times, I have been told the very opposite of that. Even though people have reached out to tell me that my writing is good, honest, meaningful, and powerful and that they look forward to reading whatever I write next.
I stopped making art because I started to believe that lie that I wouldn’t be as good as the artists I follow on Instagram. Even though people have encouraged me start an Etsy shop. Even though people have paid me to create for them. I stopped seeing my purpose in my job as my disdain for it and my students grew and festered like a cancer. I believed the lie that I’d never be good enough; even though the feedback I had gotten from students and parents in the past was the farthest from “not good enough.” But this year, all I’ve felt is “not good enough;” because I stopped being who I am and fell into the vicious machine of this world. I stopped enjoying working out as I started to believe the lie that I needed to be “better, faster, stronger”. I’ve always been an athlete ever since my elementary years. I always loved all of the athletic endeavors I attempted because, to me, my purpose in playing was the joy I got out of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m competitive. I always have been, but I’ve always naturally made “the love of the game” my priority. So, I was able to be “stronger, better, faster,” without the pressure of being “stronger, better, faster;” simply because I loved what I was doing. I don’t know when I fell into the “stronger, better, faster” lie. The comparison trap lie. The “you must be like everyone else” lie. I don’t know when I started to lose sight of my value, purpose, and uniqueness as I slid into to trying to attain conformity with others rather than holding steadfastly confident to the truth of who I was created to be, and walking boldly in that truth. It was a slow, sneaky descent, but the journey downward has made the view here from the top that much more empowering. As I sit here after months of trying to get back to myself, my resolution - or maybe it’s more like a battle cry - is to stop the fallacy of “stronger, better, faster”. To cease striving and fall on grace and to do things “for the love” again. To write for the love of words, and sharing and the beauty of connecting with others. For the love of self-awareness and personal growth. To write because it makes me feel empowered and purposeful. To create art for the love of beauty, color, making mistakes, and inspiration. For the love of making a mess. For the love of looking at something I’ve created and being proud of it, and proud of myself as I remember the joy and peace I felt in the process. To create for the joy of focus and serenity. To teach for the love of humanity. For the love of finding joy in the practice of believing in another. For the love of sacrificial service to someone who may never be able to repay your kindness or return your investment in their lives. To workout for the love of movement. For the love of finding joy in strength. For the love of celebrating what my body can do, rather than succumbing to frustration and defeat over what it cannot. For the love of persevering. For the love of surprising myself as when I accomplish things I didn’t think I could. For the love of the fiercely empowering feeling of relentless determination when I set my mind to something. For the love of believing in myself. For the love of working to sustain this body so that it can live as long as possible, and experience as much of this life as possible. To love, joy, peace, purpose, faith, and confidence - thank you for letting me take you back.
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Two new students joined my class today, one of whom speaks no English.
My natural reaction when I first found this out last week was that I needed this like I need a hole in the head. Yet, as soon as the thought passed through my mind it was stopped by another; This is a blessing. I tell my students almost everyday that there is no whining in my classroom. Ever. We are going to always be grateful and look at challenges as ways to help us grow and get better rather than whine about it. Actually, I apparently reinforce this so much that now my kids have now started to keep one another in line without any prompting from me. It's adorable and terrifying all at the same time as I begin to see just how much influence I have in their lives. This attitude of gratitude is so important to me, yet why was I so quick to label something as a burden that was inevitably going to make my job harder? I've been trying to think about how this change is a blessing and although I can't predict exactly what's going to come of it since obviously I can't see into the future, I am thrilled for this chance to grow into a better teacher and for my students to become even more inclusive, patient, and understanding. We talk a lot about these situations as "blessings in disguise". Now I'm wondering where that even came from. A blessing is simply that. A blessing. They don't come disguised. We are just the ones who disfigure them with our cynical and dismal outlooks. Where you set your mind really does make a difference. I feel like I always forget this so easily, but I'm thankful for situations that always re-convict me of this truth. After the recent Supreme Court ruling that legalized gay marriage, a prominent Christian leader who's following mainly consists of women in their 20's and late teens posted this on her Instagram: "I always take sides. It's with God or against Him. Black or white. Wrong or right. Simple as that. Take your pick." That post came after another one in which she made is very clear that she does not agree with SCOTUS' ruling and encouraged her followers to live out God's perfect ways and always take a stand for what you believe, even if it's scary to do so. Well, here I am also living out God's perfect ways and taking a stand. Although a very different one than she; because I always take God's side too. Yet, what exactly is "God's side"? I'm certain that her interpretation of what God's side is looks vastly different than mine. The God I've come to know always stands on the side of love and justice. So, the world in black and white? How terrible does that sound? No differences. No ingenuity. No creativity. No color. No diversity in beauty. No inclusivity. Just "this way" or "that way" and if you don't fit then well, sorry. In a black and white world, there exists none of the things that make us want to live this life in the first place. There is no such thing as a black and white world. There can't be. If there was, then life wouldn't be so difficult. There were be a clear right, wrong, and set way to do things and no one would question it. God in black and white isn't a thing either. Whenever my students are engaged in some sort of critical thinking I always remind them to double check their thinking by asking themselves, "Based on what I know about this topic, is my conclusion reasonable?" I don't know about you, but a black and white world does not make reasonable sense based on my own lived experience of life not only in the world but also as a Christ-follower. Neither does a black and white God. My experience with God has been the very opposite of black and white. It has been hard, confusing, and at times full of uncertainty as I wrestle with God in prayer over where He wants me and what He is doing in my life and why. I can say with 100% certainty that many people would say the same.
I'm tired of people trying to make this world a black and white world and our God a black and white God. I'm tired of people being so unwilling to challenge their view of an issue. Do you not realize that this only further marginalizes others? And adds to your own ignorance? We celebrate when people take big bold risks and step out of their comfort zones in faith because we know that's what ultimately makes our faith grow by multitudes. So why are those same people so unwilling to even consider another perspective when it comes to these big issues? If, as a Christian, you care about all people and are seeking to love them as Jesus did yet you are so closed to other perspectives then, well, I'm going to argue that you're doing it wrong. If I'm trying to be a true follower of Jesus then I cannot just see things from my own perspective. It is unjust of me to seek to understand someone else's experience of being human solely from my own limited perspective. It is also unjust of me to form a rock solid opinion on something when I haven't considered all possible options. When I haven't done all possible research. Which is actually kind of impossible now that I think of it. If we are always learning, changing, and growing, there will always be more to discover. Therefore, forming opinions that don't change over time would be unwise. We know that Jesus came for the downtrodden, the marginalized, the ones hated and cast out and harshly judged by society. The ones whom the "elites" of society wouldn't even look at. And we know what Jesus did. He looked at those same people, he LISTENED to them, and then simply said, "Follow me." And yet all week I've read articles from Christians who instead of listening are essentially saying, "No, YOU listen to ME." How can I grow in understanding as I am called to do as a Christ-follower if I decide that one view about something is the "right" view and I won't even so much as glance at something different? As a Christ-follower I am called to grow in my understanding of God and others. So, please let me know if I'm missing something here but I'm pretty sure we can't do that if we hold so tightly onto one school of thought without reaching out to learn from others. Especially those with whom we disagree. We are told to hold fast to what we believe. Well here is what is at the core of what I thought we believed - that Jesus is the son of God. That although he was without sin, He died on a cross for the sins of humanity and then rose again 3 days later. We believe that he is now seated at the right hand of God and that one day he will return. We need to realize that holding fast to anything other than that is problematic. That is the only belief that I'm holding fast to. The only one that I will never sway on. Because how can we hold fast to anything else when everything else but the fact of who Jesus is is ever-changing based on how we progress as a race of humans? We need to start listening more. For the sake of others, ourselves, our faith, and our world. And in light of this week's ruling, it thrills me to be able to conclude that most of us are moving in what I argue to be the right direction. "Right" in this case meaning the direction of love, justice, and understanding. Happy 4th of July weekend. God has certainly blessed America. Two or so weeks from now will mark one year of my start at CrossFit. I feel like a "What I learned from 1 year of CrossFit" post is mandatory when you're a CrossFitter and a blogger. I also just want to write about this because I just really love CrossFit.
A lot of people say that CrossFit has changed their life. I don't know if I can honestly go to that extreme, but I can, without hesitation, say that it has changed me, and has changed me for the better. So, here we go. From 1 year of CrossFit, I learned... 1) Strong is beautiful, and strong feels great too. I thought I was strong before CrossFit, but now? Strong takes on a vastly different definition. It's not about how you look or even about how much you can lift. It's about how you value and take of your body. Similarly, beauty is also not about how you look and no, it's also not about how "it's what's on the inside that really counts". Beauty is the sheer grace and power that comes with being strong and owning that strength both physically ("on the outside") AND mentally/emotionally ("on the inside"). 2) You are stronger than you think you are. Ninety-five percent of the time I walk into class, the goals in my head are way too conservative. Primarily because sometimes I just don't think I can achieve the goals that I really want to. Yet, almost every time I end up lifting more and/or getting more reps or rounds in than I expected. It has taken some time, and I'm still working at it, but I've learned to shut-down that self-doubt almost as soon as I think it. Just remembering what I've already accomplished in that gym is the best reminder of just how much I am capable of. I mean, I started looking into CrossFit two and a half years ago but at first choose to do barre instead because I didn't think I'd make it even one day at CrossFit. Now I have year-end goals like 150# clean and jerk and 115# snatch. Which are not conservative goals for me... Which now brings me to the third thing I've learned... 3) Patience is everything. Snatching makes me want to cry. And it has. There are other movements that frustrate me too (more on that in point #4) but nothing makes me quite as...hm, how to say this... annoyed? irritated? angry? indignant? as snatching. I feel like I've gotten immeasurably better at everything in CrossFit EXCEPT FOR THIS AND IT'S THE WORST FEELING. THE WORST. Yet, I realized the other day that I've made small improvements and that's just how it has to be. I realized that the days I patiently chip away at my weak spots, those are some of the best days I've had in the gym. Isn't that true about life too? We're so much more fulfilled when we patiently work to make ourseves better at something rather than just trying it and having no problems or struggle. Okay, back to CrossFit... So, patience is required to even be good at this particular movement at all. Patience is something I have in abundance for others but not really something I have for myself. Thankfully there are coaches who model that patience with and for me and will say, "Just be patient. Take your time. Your biggest problem patience," over and over and over again for as many times as I need to hear it. Their steady patience calms me down and helps me work on my own. And thankfully there are coaches who also keep believing in me, guiding me, correcting me, extending grace to me no matter how many times it might feel like I'm directing my frustrations towards them :) Now bringing me to #4... Another month has come and gone and now we're half way through the year?? How can that be?!
May was a great month. Full of joys and trials and persevering and hoping. Some doors closed, some news ones started to open and I really focused on being still and patient, and listening more than doing. In May, I... 1) left my 5th graders. Some of them I miss terribly but others...well, let's just say that if I ever see them again it will be too soon. Just being honest. It was a tough 5 months of being thrown headfirst into teaching. But, much like our faith, I found that my teaching practice was definitely best refined through fire. C.S. Lewis wrote, "Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn." Yeah, he was right. 2) ran a 5K and a Spartan Race! The 5K was super fun. It was for the Madison Education Foundation and I ran with one of my students. She did a superstar job and I'm still so proud of her for not giving up even though she cramped pretty badly! The Spartan was rough. The obstacles weren't too bad but it was on a ski mountain so like 75% of the race was uphill. Terrible. Just terrible. BUT I feel super accomplished and I would totally do another one. Maybe not until next year though... 3) started reading for pleasure again. I <3 reading. Like, a lot. I used to spend the entirety of my Saturdays sitting in one spot and reading a book cover to cover. I still do it now if I can. Those are some of the best days. In June, I will... 1) blog more. Seriously. I wrote two posts last months. 2 posts in 30 days. That's just sad. 2) cheer on friends at the Super Steelfit finals at Jenks!! So proud of my friends and CANNOT wait to see them crush their competition. 3) see Lady Antebellum, Hunter Hayes, and SAM HUNT in concert at PNC this Friday with one of my very best friends and whole reason I even listen to country music in the first place. So happy that she didn't end our friendship when I rolled my eyes at her pick-up truck with country blasting from the open windows. 4) be more prayerful about my the future of my career and ambitions and life goals in general. This Mother's Day I'm realizing that there a few wise lessons my mother's has instilled in me that I've not only actually fully embraced and lived by, but have begun to pass along to others as well. I think I've almost always lived by them to some degree but as I teacher I find myself instilling this same wisdom into my students and I am more and more realizing the undeniable truth behind them. So, here we go. I will be forever thankful that my mother taught me to: 1. Always have gratitude. She taught this by reminding me to always write thank you notes no matter how big or small the gift. At first it was annoying and tedious. I'd be bored as I wrote but I always realized that by the end, I actually enjoyed writing thank you's. I can't explain it other than to say that it just made me smile. Right now one of my students is writing about how "being kind makes you feel better and also makes others feel better." Well, I've realized that gratitude works the same way. Expressing your gratitude makes you a more truly grateful and, in turn, a more joyful person. As March came to a close I quickly realized I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I had wanted to. Yet, still I can say, "it is well". I am content with the small successes of March and am expectantly anticipating what April will bring. Because being content with what I have actually done is more important than wallowing in what I wanted to achieve but didn't. So here's the monthly look-back plus next months goals! In March, I... 1. Ran... twice. So, check for the "start half marathon training" goal? Don't judge me. It was still cold. And I was sick for two straight weeks. It was a slow three miles to get back into the running groove and, both times, by the end I literally collapsed onto the floor of the porch but, it felt really good to be out there again. 2. Thanks to IF:Equip for launching an Easter study right after the Hebrews study I can check off my goal to stay in the Word! My conclusions from this study: Jesus is without a doubt the real deal. 3. Didn't write chapter one but I did finish the outline. I'm okay with it. Writing has always been a slow process for me. A process that's also full of doubt. Just going to take the progress on this book as it comes. 4. Being sick for two weeks meant birthday fun didn't happen. Oh well. In April, I will... 1. RUN! Seriously. Especially because I have a Spartan Race at the end of May. I'm feeling okay about the obstacles because of CrossFit (I mean, I'll still probably want to die but, whatever) but I'm worried about actually covering distance. 2. Faith goal for April is to look to God more than I look at my circumstances. While dying on the cross Jesus didn't answer his mockers because his ear was tuned to his Father. If Jesus, in his most fully human moment, could tighten his grip on God as the literal weight of the world physically and spiritually tore him from our Father, surely I can do far better than I am right now. 3. Writing goal is to just write something. Literally anything. Even one sentence of this book. I need to focus on building myself up through small goals and successes when I write. Otherwise I get overwhelmed and fearful. 4. Apply to jobs. I hate job searching. Pray for me. Ask me if I'm applying. Hit me over the head if I hesitate. Let me know if you hear of any elementary job openings. Please and thank you. As soon as I feel like I have my faith all figured out Jesus goes ahead and wrecks me once again.
I've been thinking about Jesus a lot lately. I mean of course as a Christ-follower I'm always thinking of him and how to imitate him better. But recently I've been wrestling with how Jesus was able to leave the people that he loved and move on to the next place he had to go. I guess because he knew that soon he would, as promised, live in each and every one of them for the rest of their lives. It's not the same for us though. If you're in a role that concerns building meaningful relationships with others, you know that moving on from them is not easy. In order to fill your role well you must support people, shape them, encourage them - essentially, you must love them well. To the very best of your ability. If you're striving to love them as Jesus does then that investment you've made is not an easy one to detach yourself from. I got this piece of paper in the mail yesterday. My dad said that I should be proud because I worked hard for it. Which, to his surprise, I retorted, "Not really." "That's because everything comes easy to her," my mom commented. It's true. Okay, of course not everything comes easily to me. But most things do. Except for math and a few other things where I just cut my losses and move on. My mom was right in this case though. Getting this piece of paper was not hard for me. According to said piece of paper, I am a master of the art of teaching. Um... LOL, is the only response I feel is adequate here because if there's anything the past six weeks have shown, it's that I am far from having my job mastered. Most days I'm just hoping someone doesn't punch the kid next to them and that at least one person learned something that day. One month. That’s how long it took me to start loving my students. Like, really loving them and seeing them for who they really are instead of defining them by the less than wise choices some of them make everyday. It was a rough first month of teaching. By the end of week one I was questioning every decision I’d ever made about my new career. I was questioning every prayer I had prayed. I drove myself crazy trying to remember the exact words I had prayed when I interviewed for this job, wondering if I had pleaded for something stupid out of selfish desperation. I’m someone who generally sees the good in people no matter what. I usually see the good before the bad and tend to overlook the bad because I believe so much in the good in them. And I will search and search and search for those good pieces with relentless certainty that they exist. But some of these kids though. They were [still are] hard to love. Everyday for a month on my half hour drive to work - and I literally mean every. single. day. - I prayed the entire way, “God help me love them. God help me love them. I don’t even know what else to say other that just please, please for love of You, help me love them.” At the end of one of those days, as I was finishing dinner, I walked away from the table and actually declared, “Well, I guess it’s that time again to go work hard for kids who don’t deserve it.” I didn’t mean it, but that is how I felt.
I was weary. I was worn - from headaches and 12 hour days. From a handful of my kids who would in plain defiance just refuse to work, or would sit and engage in some sort of purposeful disruptive behavior as I would try to carry out the instruction that I had put so much effort into. The instruction that I planned and then re-planned and then re-planned again in hopes that each student would be able to connect with the content in a way that worked for how they each learn. And even then I wondered, what is this all for? Are they even learning anything when I teach it? As the days went by there were kids who genuinely made me want to be there. Kids who were respectful, who worked hard, who honestly cared about their work and the people around them. Kids who made it all worth it. But there were others who were just so unlike any other ten-year-old I’ve ever met that I was just at loss for what to do. No matter how many other teachers in the school told me that they were “just a tough group” and not to worry because they all had issues with them too and, “it’s not just you,” I still could not understand why I could not love, or honestly even really just like, some of them. It was hard for me to love them coming from the last group of students I had in the Fall when I was student teaching. I was trying not to compare, but it wasn't easy. I missed those kids in the worst way. I still do. But, last week we had a snow day and, in a dramatic turn of events, I found myself sitting at home actually missing my class. Like, my whole entire class. Every. Single. Student. I must be losing it. They’ve made me crack. I’ve gone off the deep end. No. I realized that I actually do love them. All of them. Even the ones who are so openly rude and who test my patience to the bitter end. I love them. I see their worth. The work I do to help them learn is so, so worth it. In all honestly, I still feel like I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing but, I love them. That’s a good place to start, right? Even through what I feel confident labeling as one of the hardest months of my life ever, God was moving. He heard me. I mean, duh, of course he heard me. I realized that he was changing my heart toward my students the entire time, but I was too focused on my circumstances and on what I had done or hadn’t done to deserve the class from Hell (okay that may be a little extreme but…) to see what he was doing. God reminded me that love isn't supposed to be easy. That's it's going to hurt, and be frustrating, and require the kind of patience that only He can give us. Most importantly He reminded me that we're obligated to love even when we feel like people don't deserve it because, uh, something about a cross and a sinless Savior and the greatest, undeserved but freely given love of all... yeah, I think there's some really big, life-changing, societal-norm-defying story about that or something... Anyway, half of my kids are still off-the-walls crazy but that’s okay. Because I love them. I believe in them. I’ve been telling them that since day one but now I actually believe myself when I say it. Now when I encourage them, my words don’t feel empty and rehearsed but like they are actually coming from deep down in my soul. The same part of my soul where I hold all of my strongest convictions. Now, they are all worth waking up early for. They are all worth working for. They always have been. But now, I actually find joy in laboring for them. And now I finally know in that deep part of my soul and not just in my head, that it’s not our circumstances, but rather the state of our heart that dictates our peace, happiness, and our impact. |
Author4th grade teacher. Writer. Justice-seeker. Encourager. CrossFitter. John 11:40. Archives
July 2017
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