I got this piece of paper in the mail yesterday. My dad said that I should be proud because I worked hard for it. Which, to his surprise, I retorted, "Not really." "That's because everything comes easy to her," my mom commented. It's true. Okay, of course not everything comes easily to me. But most things do. Except for math and a few other things where I just cut my losses and move on. My mom was right in this case though. Getting this piece of paper was not hard for me. According to said piece of paper, I am a master of the art of teaching. Um... LOL, is the only response I feel is adequate here because if there's anything the past six weeks have shown, it's that I am far from having my job mastered. Most days I'm just hoping someone doesn't punch the kid next to them and that at least one person learned something that day. I may have the content behind that piece of paper mastered in theory, but in practice I feel like a pre-schooler who was told she could skip to 3rd grade even though all she can do is count a few blocks and write her name. In one day's time I could write you a research paper on socio-economic barriers to education, how inclusive education should be viewed as (because it is) a basic human right, how our curriculums would be enhanced if basic principles of social justice education would be placed at their centers, or how utilizing multicultural children's literature is best practice for engaging students of any age in meaningful literacy experiences. I have not; however, mastered what to do when Matthew (all names changed of course) just won't keep his freaking hands to himself, when Alyssa won't stop drumming on her desk to purposefully and defiantly cause a disruption, or when I've given clear directions three times to a silent class and Nathan raises his hand and asks what we're doing...literally every damn day. And those aren't even examples of behaviors of any of my 8 kids who have a classified disability or exceptional learning need. Or even just how about the fact that I'm supposed to teach to the individual needs 20 students of varying ability levels? Some of whom perform on a 6th grade math level, some on a 3rd grade level, and others who fall somewhere in between. Yeah, definitely wouldn't classify myself as a "master" of any of those things. If I could stay in school forever, I would. Sometimes I wish I could just do the research and write the papers and not have to actually engage in practice. That would be far easier. There's so much less at stake. I wouldn't have to work hard and I wouldn't be constantly frustrated with myself about why this teaching thing just isn't coming as easily to me as most other things in my life have. It's really hard for me to not give up. Like, really hard. To not just cut my losses and move onto something else. But that's my problem. The past few years have proved to me that I need to force myself to stay in things that I have to work for. I have to make myself to engage in the things that matter. Somehow I've become kind of a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none. Now don't get me wrong, that's not the worst thing in the world. I like having a variety of interests and knowing how to do a multitude of things. Except there's difference between that and between trying to be all things. I cannot be all things like I want to. I'm learning how to let go of that. I'm learning how to only choose a few of the things, and to not give up when it gets hard. Because that is what will make me a better person, teacher, friend, mentor, athlete, sister, daughter. Research has shown that it's not the "smart" kids who are the most successful in life but the kids who work hard and persevere regardless of innate ability. As one of the "smart" kids, I really hated reading that. First it made me angry, then it made me angrier when I realized that it made a whole lot of sense when viewing my life through the lens of that statement. When things got hard I would quit because to me it just never made sense that I wouldn't be good at something. So that thing obviously must have just been stupid and not worth my time anyway. Over the past few years though I've learned how to give myself grace instead of expecting perfection. I've learned how to let myself fail and then let those failures make me better. Most importantly, I've learned how to purposefully choose to stick with things that I actually need to work hard at because (excuse me while I state the obvious) it's those things that actually amount to something in the end. So, getting that piece of paper might have been easy for me but what was waiting for me at the other end of it certainly is not. I'm okay with that. I'm exhausted and worn but my heart is full so, it is well.
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Author4th grade teacher. Writer. Justice-seeker. Encourager. CrossFitter. John 11:40. Archives
July 2017
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