I stopped writing because I fell victim to the fear that my writing isn’t good enough. That it’s pointless, purposeless, unnecessary. Even though, countless times, I have been told the very opposite of that. Even though people have reached out to tell me that my writing is good, honest, meaningful, and powerful and that they look forward to reading whatever I write next.
I stopped making art because I started to believe that lie that I wouldn’t be as good as the artists I follow on Instagram. Even though people have encouraged me start an Etsy shop. Even though people have paid me to create for them. I stopped seeing my purpose in my job as my disdain for it and my students grew and festered like a cancer. I believed the lie that I’d never be good enough; even though the feedback I had gotten from students and parents in the past was the farthest from “not good enough.” But this year, all I’ve felt is “not good enough;” because I stopped being who I am and fell into the vicious machine of this world. I stopped enjoying working out as I started to believe the lie that I needed to be “better, faster, stronger”. I’ve always been an athlete ever since my elementary years. I always loved all of the athletic endeavors I attempted because, to me, my purpose in playing was the joy I got out of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m competitive. I always have been, but I’ve always naturally made “the love of the game” my priority. So, I was able to be “stronger, better, faster,” without the pressure of being “stronger, better, faster;” simply because I loved what I was doing. I don’t know when I fell into the “stronger, better, faster” lie. The comparison trap lie. The “you must be like everyone else” lie. I don’t know when I started to lose sight of my value, purpose, and uniqueness as I slid into to trying to attain conformity with others rather than holding steadfastly confident to the truth of who I was created to be, and walking boldly in that truth. It was a slow, sneaky descent, but the journey downward has made the view here from the top that much more empowering. As I sit here after months of trying to get back to myself, my resolution - or maybe it’s more like a battle cry - is to stop the fallacy of “stronger, better, faster”. To cease striving and fall on grace and to do things “for the love” again. To write for the love of words, and sharing and the beauty of connecting with others. For the love of self-awareness and personal growth. To write because it makes me feel empowered and purposeful. To create art for the love of beauty, color, making mistakes, and inspiration. For the love of making a mess. For the love of looking at something I’ve created and being proud of it, and proud of myself as I remember the joy and peace I felt in the process. To create for the joy of focus and serenity. To teach for the love of humanity. For the love of finding joy in the practice of believing in another. For the love of sacrificial service to someone who may never be able to repay your kindness or return your investment in their lives. To workout for the love of movement. For the love of finding joy in strength. For the love of celebrating what my body can do, rather than succumbing to frustration and defeat over what it cannot. For the love of persevering. For the love of surprising myself as when I accomplish things I didn’t think I could. For the love of the fiercely empowering feeling of relentless determination when I set my mind to something. For the love of believing in myself. For the love of working to sustain this body so that it can live as long as possible, and experience as much of this life as possible. To love, joy, peace, purpose, faith, and confidence - thank you for letting me take you back.
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Some added insight to the original post below. That's the thing I love about writing. It's such a human thing. Our words and thus are influence and insight are often changing as we continue to live, learn, grow, and try our best to thrive. There is no end to it, and it can always be added to, changed, redeemed, and recycled.
1/3/16 The unshakable thought has come to mind that we perhaps oftentimes give anxiety far too much power. We think it can never go away, As I wrote below about a month ago. There are times I experience complete and total freedom and other times I feel like something is trying to run me over, or bury me alive. This week has beea run-me-over week for me. So I've thought and prayed and reflected and talked with people about this quite about over the past few days. I had resolved that this is always something I'll have to live with and just learn to manage. BUT, if I believe the power of Christ in me than that means my anxiety can be gone for good - but I will have to fight for that nonetheless. Also, as I mentioned first below, what it is that we're really afraid of? A new friend told me that in an episode of Brain Games, they talked about how at one point in time people had real, rational anxieties. Like getting attacked by a bear if they are in the woods, drowning when swimming, or getting into a car accident, etc. Their anxiety was over real threats that could actually harm them. But what are my anxieties about? I don't fear (probably unwisely) getting attacked by a bear if I'm in the woods, or drowning, or getting into a car accident.... But I harbor fear over what my job will be and where I'm going in life, even when I'm in love with and have confidence in my current job because I followed God straight to it? I sometimes have fear over every decision I've ever made in my life? Over what the future holds for me relationally? None of these things post any sort of imminent harmful threat. They are simply things of this life that yes, okay, can be difficult. But no unmanageable, and certainly not things to cause soul-crushing, rapid-fire heartbeat anxiety. So why do I give them so much power? Currently working on realizing that it may not necessarily be "anxiety" that pulls me under, but the unreasonable power I give to these things that I fear that should never have been sources of anxiety to begin with. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 12/6/15 I've been realizing lately just how sneaky anxiety can be. Sometimes it runs you down like a tractor in a cornfield and honestly, that's the easy part. For me, at least, it's easy to weep in a darkened room, taking deep breaths in between repetitions of "Jesus, please take this" and know that within minutes it'll all be over. That's easy. Scary, but easy. Easy compared to spending 30 minutes trying to get out bed in the morning struggling not because you're tired or because your bed is simply too comfortable to leave, but because of a thousand fears that have already run through your head - fears that you can barely even name. Easy compared to realizing you’re starting to let yourself go bit by bit each day because your self-care has unwittingly fallen second to just making it out the door in one piece - to fighting to make sure each step you take is not in fear. That's the sneaky part. These daily fears that I can't even name. You're probably wondering how I don't even know what I'm anxious about. How can I not even name the things I fear daily? I don't know. I don't know because I have no idea what I'm afraid of. There's just fear. Fear that hides itself so well that I don't even know it's there but it affects me nonetheless. Actually, it just dawned on me as I’m now writing this that I probably can't name my fears because they're not actually real. That's what anxiety is. What you feel isn't reality, even though it feels more real than anything. So, basically, you're trying to fight something that doesn't even exist. While I sing the greater reality that, "I'm no longer a slave to fear, for I am a Child of God", I know in my inmost being that it's true. That I've been set free. That Jesus has loosed the chains of the oppressions of fear, but I'm also realizing that the reality of living in a broken world is that sometimes the chains try to come back. Like a slithering, ruthless boa constrictor who, by the time it strikes its prey, the creature is rendered helpless with no time to react or escape. But it was Jesus who made the greatest escape of all time. The one from death into life eternal and so I know that although the fear comes knocking, it can never fully get back in. Which is why, I’m learning, that daily dependence on Jesus to banish those sneaky, unnamable fears is essential. CS Lewis posited, “Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done.” Jesus, please come set me free anew each day. No matter the severity, mental health issues are real and scary for the person dealing with them. But they shouldn’t be scary for you. My challenge to you is that if you love or come across someone struggling with an issue of mental health, you first acknowledge their humanity by simply being there, then by listening, and then by encouraging them to get help. For the love of all things good and Holy please do not tell them to, "Just get over it", "You've gotta move past it," or "What you're feeling isn't real." Because yes, what they're feeling isn't the reality of who they are but to them is the realest thing in their life right now. To the person not yet strong enough to separate their anxiety or other mental health related oppression from what is actually real, you are invalidating their existence and that is in no way helpful. So whether it’s from a counselor, or from getting connected to a small group at church, a mentor, or some other type of support group, let them know that there are people who are there for them. That while their struggle is real, and not uncommon, they don't have to brave it alone. We weren’t made to live life alone and we certainly are not called to be exclusionary. Let’s be welcoming, and listen more than we try to fix. Two new students joined my class today, one of whom speaks no English.
My natural reaction when I first found this out last week was that I needed this like I need a hole in the head. Yet, as soon as the thought passed through my mind it was stopped by another; This is a blessing. I tell my students almost everyday that there is no whining in my classroom. Ever. We are going to always be grateful and look at challenges as ways to help us grow and get better rather than whine about it. Actually, I apparently reinforce this so much that now my kids have now started to keep one another in line without any prompting from me. It's adorable and terrifying all at the same time as I begin to see just how much influence I have in their lives. This attitude of gratitude is so important to me, yet why was I so quick to label something as a burden that was inevitably going to make my job harder? I've been trying to think about how this change is a blessing and although I can't predict exactly what's going to come of it since obviously I can't see into the future, I am thrilled for this chance to grow into a better teacher and for my students to become even more inclusive, patient, and understanding. We talk a lot about these situations as "blessings in disguise". Now I'm wondering where that even came from. A blessing is simply that. A blessing. They don't come disguised. We are just the ones who disfigure them with our cynical and dismal outlooks. Where you set your mind really does make a difference. I feel like I always forget this so easily, but I'm thankful for situations that always re-convict me of this truth. It has been far too long since I've last written. Long enough that I find myself asking if it's genuinely something that I care about.
All the while, those words circle around me, a haunting of sorts, an ever-persisting thorn in my side whose prickles I thought I had long ago dislodged. But I gather that's why it is my thorn, I want you to write. And I want you to trust me. So I write and I trust and I surrender in simple obedience. When I begin to see why, it suspends me in a state of startled awe and Holy fear. I never know where my words will go, who will read them, who will breathe them in and let them settle in their soul as I do with the words of my new and long-time favorite trusted authors. We write to tell a story yet sometimes mine feels feigned as I don't even know what story I am telling or what story He wants me to tell. That is how this post started. Directionless. Yet here my words go, somehow expanding this page one letter at a time. In spite of myself, I write. And I trust. Because soon enough the curtain will be drawn back to reveal the "whys" of this odd beckoning to fearlessly toil in my present investments, entrusted giftings, and precious little ones. I loathe this daily trusting but the promises are just too strong. Just too settled in some deep place of my heart that I cannot quite seem to fully reach yet I somehow indubitably know is so, so very real. Another month has come and gone and now we're half way through the year?? How can that be?!
May was a great month. Full of joys and trials and persevering and hoping. Some doors closed, some news ones started to open and I really focused on being still and patient, and listening more than doing. In May, I... 1) left my 5th graders. Some of them I miss terribly but others...well, let's just say that if I ever see them again it will be too soon. Just being honest. It was a tough 5 months of being thrown headfirst into teaching. But, much like our faith, I found that my teaching practice was definitely best refined through fire. C.S. Lewis wrote, "Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn." Yeah, he was right. 2) ran a 5K and a Spartan Race! The 5K was super fun. It was for the Madison Education Foundation and I ran with one of my students. She did a superstar job and I'm still so proud of her for not giving up even though she cramped pretty badly! The Spartan was rough. The obstacles weren't too bad but it was on a ski mountain so like 75% of the race was uphill. Terrible. Just terrible. BUT I feel super accomplished and I would totally do another one. Maybe not until next year though... 3) started reading for pleasure again. I <3 reading. Like, a lot. I used to spend the entirety of my Saturdays sitting in one spot and reading a book cover to cover. I still do it now if I can. Those are some of the best days. In June, I will... 1) blog more. Seriously. I wrote two posts last months. 2 posts in 30 days. That's just sad. 2) cheer on friends at the Super Steelfit finals at Jenks!! So proud of my friends and CANNOT wait to see them crush their competition. 3) see Lady Antebellum, Hunter Hayes, and SAM HUNT in concert at PNC this Friday with one of my very best friends and whole reason I even listen to country music in the first place. So happy that she didn't end our friendship when I rolled my eyes at her pick-up truck with country blasting from the open windows. 4) be more prayerful about my the future of my career and ambitions and life goals in general. As March came to a close I quickly realized I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I had wanted to. Yet, still I can say, "it is well". I am content with the small successes of March and am expectantly anticipating what April will bring. Because being content with what I have actually done is more important than wallowing in what I wanted to achieve but didn't. So here's the monthly look-back plus next months goals! In March, I... 1. Ran... twice. So, check for the "start half marathon training" goal? Don't judge me. It was still cold. And I was sick for two straight weeks. It was a slow three miles to get back into the running groove and, both times, by the end I literally collapsed onto the floor of the porch but, it felt really good to be out there again. 2. Thanks to IF:Equip for launching an Easter study right after the Hebrews study I can check off my goal to stay in the Word! My conclusions from this study: Jesus is without a doubt the real deal. 3. Didn't write chapter one but I did finish the outline. I'm okay with it. Writing has always been a slow process for me. A process that's also full of doubt. Just going to take the progress on this book as it comes. 4. Being sick for two weeks meant birthday fun didn't happen. Oh well. In April, I will... 1. RUN! Seriously. Especially because I have a Spartan Race at the end of May. I'm feeling okay about the obstacles because of CrossFit (I mean, I'll still probably want to die but, whatever) but I'm worried about actually covering distance. 2. Faith goal for April is to look to God more than I look at my circumstances. While dying on the cross Jesus didn't answer his mockers because his ear was tuned to his Father. If Jesus, in his most fully human moment, could tighten his grip on God as the literal weight of the world physically and spiritually tore him from our Father, surely I can do far better than I am right now. 3. Writing goal is to just write something. Literally anything. Even one sentence of this book. I need to focus on building myself up through small goals and successes when I write. Otherwise I get overwhelmed and fearful. 4. Apply to jobs. I hate job searching. Pray for me. Ask me if I'm applying. Hit me over the head if I hesitate. Let me know if you hear of any elementary job openings. Please and thank you. My wonderful friend Kaitie does something on her blog at the end of each month where she looks back on a few things she accomplished and then looks ahead to set goals for the coming month. I love it, so, I'm doing it too.
In January, I... 1. Started this blog I love writing but it can give me a lot of anxiety at the same time. I don't know if it's the perfectionist in me who is never quite satisfied with many of the things I produce, or if it's because I'm afraid of letting people down who have told me that they love my writing and want to see more of it. Honestly, it's probably some combination of both. But having this space to make my own has been wonderfully liberating so far and I'm excited for where it's going as I continue to build and shape it! 2. Registered for a half marathon Okay, technically my friend Jen registered me for it but whatever, the point is it that I'm running 13.1 miles in October! I'm so excited to get back into running. I've been doing CrossFit for almost 10 months now but haven't trained for any serious road races in a few years. I can't wait for the weather to warm up so I can start training. Obviously I could start now but I'm a wimp in the winter. Not trying to catch that terrible winter chill that never quite leaves you once you've got it. |
Author4th grade teacher. Writer. Justice-seeker. Encourager. CrossFitter. John 11:40. Archives
July 2017
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