I stopped writing because I fell victim to the fear that my writing isn’t good enough. That it’s pointless, purposeless, unnecessary. Even though, countless times, I have been told the very opposite of that. Even though people have reached out to tell me that my writing is good, honest, meaningful, and powerful and that they look forward to reading whatever I write next.
I stopped making art because I started to believe that lie that I wouldn’t be as good as the artists I follow on Instagram. Even though people have encouraged me start an Etsy shop. Even though people have paid me to create for them. I stopped seeing my purpose in my job as my disdain for it and my students grew and festered like a cancer. I believed the lie that I’d never be good enough; even though the feedback I had gotten from students and parents in the past was the farthest from “not good enough.” But this year, all I’ve felt is “not good enough;” because I stopped being who I am and fell into the vicious machine of this world. I stopped enjoying working out as I started to believe the lie that I needed to be “better, faster, stronger”. I’ve always been an athlete ever since my elementary years. I always loved all of the athletic endeavors I attempted because, to me, my purpose in playing was the joy I got out of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m competitive. I always have been, but I’ve always naturally made “the love of the game” my priority. So, I was able to be “stronger, better, faster,” without the pressure of being “stronger, better, faster;” simply because I loved what I was doing. I don’t know when I fell into the “stronger, better, faster” lie. The comparison trap lie. The “you must be like everyone else” lie. I don’t know when I started to lose sight of my value, purpose, and uniqueness as I slid into to trying to attain conformity with others rather than holding steadfastly confident to the truth of who I was created to be, and walking boldly in that truth. It was a slow, sneaky descent, but the journey downward has made the view here from the top that much more empowering. As I sit here after months of trying to get back to myself, my resolution - or maybe it’s more like a battle cry - is to stop the fallacy of “stronger, better, faster”. To cease striving and fall on grace and to do things “for the love” again. To write for the love of words, and sharing and the beauty of connecting with others. For the love of self-awareness and personal growth. To write because it makes me feel empowered and purposeful. To create art for the love of beauty, color, making mistakes, and inspiration. For the love of making a mess. For the love of looking at something I’ve created and being proud of it, and proud of myself as I remember the joy and peace I felt in the process. To create for the joy of focus and serenity. To teach for the love of humanity. For the love of finding joy in the practice of believing in another. For the love of sacrificial service to someone who may never be able to repay your kindness or return your investment in their lives. To workout for the love of movement. For the love of finding joy in strength. For the love of celebrating what my body can do, rather than succumbing to frustration and defeat over what it cannot. For the love of persevering. For the love of surprising myself as when I accomplish things I didn’t think I could. For the love of the fiercely empowering feeling of relentless determination when I set my mind to something. For the love of believing in myself. For the love of working to sustain this body so that it can live as long as possible, and experience as much of this life as possible. To love, joy, peace, purpose, faith, and confidence - thank you for letting me take you back.
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Two new students joined my class today, one of whom speaks no English.
My natural reaction when I first found this out last week was that I needed this like I need a hole in the head. Yet, as soon as the thought passed through my mind it was stopped by another; This is a blessing. I tell my students almost everyday that there is no whining in my classroom. Ever. We are going to always be grateful and look at challenges as ways to help us grow and get better rather than whine about it. Actually, I apparently reinforce this so much that now my kids have now started to keep one another in line without any prompting from me. It's adorable and terrifying all at the same time as I begin to see just how much influence I have in their lives. This attitude of gratitude is so important to me, yet why was I so quick to label something as a burden that was inevitably going to make my job harder? I've been trying to think about how this change is a blessing and although I can't predict exactly what's going to come of it since obviously I can't see into the future, I am thrilled for this chance to grow into a better teacher and for my students to become even more inclusive, patient, and understanding. We talk a lot about these situations as "blessings in disguise". Now I'm wondering where that even came from. A blessing is simply that. A blessing. They don't come disguised. We are just the ones who disfigure them with our cynical and dismal outlooks. Where you set your mind really does make a difference. I feel like I always forget this so easily, but I'm thankful for situations that always re-convict me of this truth. It has been far too long since I've last written. Long enough that I find myself asking if it's genuinely something that I care about.
All the while, those words circle around me, a haunting of sorts, an ever-persisting thorn in my side whose prickles I thought I had long ago dislodged. But I gather that's why it is my thorn, I want you to write. And I want you to trust me. So I write and I trust and I surrender in simple obedience. When I begin to see why, it suspends me in a state of startled awe and Holy fear. I never know where my words will go, who will read them, who will breathe them in and let them settle in their soul as I do with the words of my new and long-time favorite trusted authors. We write to tell a story yet sometimes mine feels feigned as I don't even know what story I am telling or what story He wants me to tell. That is how this post started. Directionless. Yet here my words go, somehow expanding this page one letter at a time. In spite of myself, I write. And I trust. Because soon enough the curtain will be drawn back to reveal the "whys" of this odd beckoning to fearlessly toil in my present investments, entrusted giftings, and precious little ones. I loathe this daily trusting but the promises are just too strong. Just too settled in some deep place of my heart that I cannot quite seem to fully reach yet I somehow indubitably know is so, so very real. As my group of eight beautiful middle school girls scattered behind the blue curtains of the shoebox-sized dressing rooms in the pool locker room, I posted myself at the exit door as I waited for them to change. "Ugh, I'm so fat," came a voice from behind one of the curtains. "You are not fat," I retorted. "I used to be so skinny." "You look healthy. Which is exactly what you should be working for. Don't think about trying to be skinny," I suggested. "Make your goal to be healthy and strong." "Isn't skinny the same thing as healthy?" another girl asked. "Not always," I answered. More of the girls started to chime in about how their weight has changed, about what they eat, about the way their stomach looks, about how they hate the way their hair looks after they swim. My gosh, they are only 11-13 years old, I thought. Did I obsess that much about the way I looked when I was their age? I remembered that, yes, I definitely started to care about the way I looked around the time I was in middle school. In 7th grade I started straightening my hair, dabbled in the overwhelming world that is make-up and actually paid attention to what stores my clothes were coming from. I'm not sure if I so boldly verbalized my insecurities as these girls but I absolutely felt them internally, and so started the process of intentionally forming my self-identity. A process that did not end in a positive self-identity until probably only two years ago. In response to an incident a few days before, I only had one rule prior to that day in the locker room: Be kind or be quiet. But after the girls' heart-breaking chatter I added another: No more negative self-talk. I made that rule not only because it was upsetting that they so clearly saw their own flaws when all I saw were capable, talented, and beautifully unique young women; but because my own negative self-talk and thoughts throughout my pre-teen years, teenage years, and early-twenties because of what I thought I was "supposed" to be, landed me in a giant, messy, sticky web of insecurity, doubt, and feelings of "I'll never be good enough" that was so, so incredibly hard to break free from. I only really got rid of that mess and started to love my body when I learned to judge it based on what it could do, not on what it looked like. Although I grew up playing sports and always trying to find a way to be active, I still saw my body as something that should look a certain way as opposed to something that was made to function in a certain way. When I finally understood that, and changed the words I ascribed to myself from negative to positive - from words focused on self-doubt to words focused on my capabilities - it made all the difference. Because we can't always control what we look like, and we really shouldn't try to. But we can control how well our bodies function. We can control how strong we are and we can control the goals we set for ourselves to make our bodies better than they were yesterday - not because we hate our bodies but because we love our bodies. Because we want to be the next better, stronger, faster, healthier version of ourselves. I've been obsessed with Rachel Platten's "Fight Song". Not only because it's the best running song for those moments when I'm on the brink of defeat, but because it's basically every girl's life anthem. In Always' latest #likeagirl campaign video, they found that 72% of girls feel that society limits them in some way. Somewhere along the way we learn what we can and can't do, what we should and shouldn't look or act like because we are women. It's upsetting because sometimes I feel like we've finally almost broken all gender stereotypes but then you listen to the young women around us today and realize that we're still pretty much drowning in the same stereotypes and gender discrimination as when we were that age. So, this one's for my girls. For my camp girls, and for every girl I've coached and taught. Maybe you'll finally be the ones to change the game. Let's hear those fight songs. Those take back your life songs. Those take back our identity songs <3 After the recent Supreme Court ruling that legalized gay marriage, a prominent Christian leader who's following mainly consists of women in their 20's and late teens posted this on her Instagram: "I always take sides. It's with God or against Him. Black or white. Wrong or right. Simple as that. Take your pick." That post came after another one in which she made is very clear that she does not agree with SCOTUS' ruling and encouraged her followers to live out God's perfect ways and always take a stand for what you believe, even if it's scary to do so. Well, here I am also living out God's perfect ways and taking a stand. Although a very different one than she; because I always take God's side too. Yet, what exactly is "God's side"? I'm certain that her interpretation of what God's side is looks vastly different than mine. The God I've come to know always stands on the side of love and justice. So, the world in black and white? How terrible does that sound? No differences. No ingenuity. No creativity. No color. No diversity in beauty. No inclusivity. Just "this way" or "that way" and if you don't fit then well, sorry. In a black and white world, there exists none of the things that make us want to live this life in the first place. There is no such thing as a black and white world. There can't be. If there was, then life wouldn't be so difficult. There were be a clear right, wrong, and set way to do things and no one would question it. God in black and white isn't a thing either. Whenever my students are engaged in some sort of critical thinking I always remind them to double check their thinking by asking themselves, "Based on what I know about this topic, is my conclusion reasonable?" I don't know about you, but a black and white world does not make reasonable sense based on my own lived experience of life not only in the world but also as a Christ-follower. Neither does a black and white God. My experience with God has been the very opposite of black and white. It has been hard, confusing, and at times full of uncertainty as I wrestle with God in prayer over where He wants me and what He is doing in my life and why. I can say with 100% certainty that many people would say the same.
I'm tired of people trying to make this world a black and white world and our God a black and white God. I'm tired of people being so unwilling to challenge their view of an issue. Do you not realize that this only further marginalizes others? And adds to your own ignorance? We celebrate when people take big bold risks and step out of their comfort zones in faith because we know that's what ultimately makes our faith grow by multitudes. So why are those same people so unwilling to even consider another perspective when it comes to these big issues? If, as a Christian, you care about all people and are seeking to love them as Jesus did yet you are so closed to other perspectives then, well, I'm going to argue that you're doing it wrong. If I'm trying to be a true follower of Jesus then I cannot just see things from my own perspective. It is unjust of me to seek to understand someone else's experience of being human solely from my own limited perspective. It is also unjust of me to form a rock solid opinion on something when I haven't considered all possible options. When I haven't done all possible research. Which is actually kind of impossible now that I think of it. If we are always learning, changing, and growing, there will always be more to discover. Therefore, forming opinions that don't change over time would be unwise. We know that Jesus came for the downtrodden, the marginalized, the ones hated and cast out and harshly judged by society. The ones whom the "elites" of society wouldn't even look at. And we know what Jesus did. He looked at those same people, he LISTENED to them, and then simply said, "Follow me." And yet all week I've read articles from Christians who instead of listening are essentially saying, "No, YOU listen to ME." How can I grow in understanding as I am called to do as a Christ-follower if I decide that one view about something is the "right" view and I won't even so much as glance at something different? As a Christ-follower I am called to grow in my understanding of God and others. So, please let me know if I'm missing something here but I'm pretty sure we can't do that if we hold so tightly onto one school of thought without reaching out to learn from others. Especially those with whom we disagree. We are told to hold fast to what we believe. Well here is what is at the core of what I thought we believed - that Jesus is the son of God. That although he was without sin, He died on a cross for the sins of humanity and then rose again 3 days later. We believe that he is now seated at the right hand of God and that one day he will return. We need to realize that holding fast to anything other than that is problematic. That is the only belief that I'm holding fast to. The only one that I will never sway on. Because how can we hold fast to anything else when everything else but the fact of who Jesus is is ever-changing based on how we progress as a race of humans? We need to start listening more. For the sake of others, ourselves, our faith, and our world. And in light of this week's ruling, it thrills me to be able to conclude that most of us are moving in what I argue to be the right direction. "Right" in this case meaning the direction of love, justice, and understanding. Happy 4th of July weekend. God has certainly blessed America. Another month has come and gone and now we're half way through the year?? How can that be?!
May was a great month. Full of joys and trials and persevering and hoping. Some doors closed, some news ones started to open and I really focused on being still and patient, and listening more than doing. In May, I... 1) left my 5th graders. Some of them I miss terribly but others...well, let's just say that if I ever see them again it will be too soon. Just being honest. It was a tough 5 months of being thrown headfirst into teaching. But, much like our faith, I found that my teaching practice was definitely best refined through fire. C.S. Lewis wrote, "Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn." Yeah, he was right. 2) ran a 5K and a Spartan Race! The 5K was super fun. It was for the Madison Education Foundation and I ran with one of my students. She did a superstar job and I'm still so proud of her for not giving up even though she cramped pretty badly! The Spartan was rough. The obstacles weren't too bad but it was on a ski mountain so like 75% of the race was uphill. Terrible. Just terrible. BUT I feel super accomplished and I would totally do another one. Maybe not until next year though... 3) started reading for pleasure again. I <3 reading. Like, a lot. I used to spend the entirety of my Saturdays sitting in one spot and reading a book cover to cover. I still do it now if I can. Those are some of the best days. In June, I will... 1) blog more. Seriously. I wrote two posts last months. 2 posts in 30 days. That's just sad. 2) cheer on friends at the Super Steelfit finals at Jenks!! So proud of my friends and CANNOT wait to see them crush their competition. 3) see Lady Antebellum, Hunter Hayes, and SAM HUNT in concert at PNC this Friday with one of my very best friends and whole reason I even listen to country music in the first place. So happy that she didn't end our friendship when I rolled my eyes at her pick-up truck with country blasting from the open windows. 4) be more prayerful about my the future of my career and ambitions and life goals in general. This Mother's Day I'm realizing that there a few wise lessons my mother's has instilled in me that I've not only actually fully embraced and lived by, but have begun to pass along to others as well. I think I've almost always lived by them to some degree but as I teacher I find myself instilling this same wisdom into my students and I am more and more realizing the undeniable truth behind them. So, here we go. I will be forever thankful that my mother taught me to: 1. Always have gratitude. She taught this by reminding me to always write thank you notes no matter how big or small the gift. At first it was annoying and tedious. I'd be bored as I wrote but I always realized that by the end, I actually enjoyed writing thank you's. I can't explain it other than to say that it just made me smile. Right now one of my students is writing about how "being kind makes you feel better and also makes others feel better." Well, I've realized that gratitude works the same way. Expressing your gratitude makes you a more truly grateful and, in turn, a more joyful person. Flannery O'Connor wrote, "Don't let me ever think, dear God, that I was anything but the instrument for Your story. Just like the typewriter was mine."
Do you ever forget that you're not the one running the show here? That as much choice and freedom as we have over our own lives, we are not ultimately the ones who make the final edits to send our story off to press each day? I'm pretty much the number one offender of thinking that I run my own life. That everything I've accomplished, I've done on my own. Moreover, that everything will happen as I'd like to write it. When I take a step outside of myself to actually look at the story I'm living, it is so blatantly obvious that this 26 year-long (and counting) autobiography, has NEVER played out the way that I tried to originally write it. Thankfully, God has so faithfully cemented a yield sign at every single point in my life where I thought I could re-write the map on my own. When I look back at the road that I would've tripped down had I disregarded those yield signs, I am eternally grateful that I was granted eyes to see the bigger story unfolding outside of my little self and a spirit brave and willing enough to die to my own selfishness. If you told me 7 years ago that I would be writing all of the words that I just did, I wouldn't believe you. I would tell you that God is a controlling dictator who just wants me to "follow the rules" and be a puppet. No, I wouldn't be one of those crazy people. As soon as I feel like I have my faith all figured out Jesus goes ahead and wrecks me once again.
I've been thinking about Jesus a lot lately. I mean of course as a Christ-follower I'm always thinking of him and how to imitate him better. But recently I've been wrestling with how Jesus was able to leave the people that he loved and move on to the next place he had to go. I guess because he knew that soon he would, as promised, live in each and every one of them for the rest of their lives. It's not the same for us though. If you're in a role that concerns building meaningful relationships with others, you know that moving on from them is not easy. In order to fill your role well you must support people, shape them, encourage them - essentially, you must love them well. To the very best of your ability. If you're striving to love them as Jesus does then that investment you've made is not an easy one to detach yourself from. People keep asking me what I want for my birthday. Well, I want a new car, I want to win the lottery, I want a job that doesn't stress me out, I want free gel manicures every 2 weeks, I want my student loans to not exist, I want this stupid book I'm trying to write to write itself, I want at least three new dresses for spring/summer, I want to go back to Nicaragua, and I want to be able to full snatch more than 75 pounds.
How silly and privileged that all sounds when I actually acknowledge it. There are people all over the world who's wants are clean drinking water and a good education while I sit here wanting to add more unnecessary stuff to my life. |
Author4th grade teacher. Writer. Justice-seeker. Encourager. CrossFitter. John 11:40. Archives
July 2017
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