I feel like I only ever write about the same few things. That’s probably because I actually do only ever write about the same few things. I guess that’s because some stories need to be told over and again; whether for my own freedom or for the freedom of others.
Isn’t it funny, and also frustrating, how when you think you’ve finally got something all figured out it comes around with little to no warning to try to take you down again? It’s like we’re just living in circles. I’m sure you can relate somehow. I wrote a portion of what you’ll read below a few months ago but never posted it. As I sat down to write again about the ever-present thorn in my side that is anxiety, I found both comfort and a bit of strength in my own past words. And a greater resolve to fight that much harder to know and love God again. Last summer I began a self-study on Ephesians when my faith was in a place where I desperately needed revival and recovery and something new to hold on to. Within the chapters of this letter I discovered the themes of power and grace. Little did I know just how much I would need to hold onto what I was learning in those pages; not only in the present of that moment but in the middle of my current present. Over the past year or so, it’s become clear to me that I can do nothing apart from God’s power. As difficult circumstances and big questions wax and wane, I needed and still desperately need the truth that God is sovereign and God is limitless. Oh, how often I lose sight of this. And oh, how often does my blindness set me back. As I constantly battle with anxiety, I need God’s power to remember that He is stronger than what I am feeling and that the battle is not mine alone. Sometimes I don’t even know that I’m experiencing anxiety over something until it’s too late. While I’m introspective and observant enough that I’ve learned to recognize some warning signs, what I’ve noticed lately is that if I’m feeling disconnected from God, it’s exponentially more difficult for me to recognize and push back against my anxiety. The farther I am from God, the longer it takes me to identify and make sense of stressors and fear and the harder it is for me to confidently believe in my own abilities and giftings. I need to take hold of His power to have peace that He has gone before me and He is and always has been holding all things together; and I need His grace to be able to press on with confidence and freedom from the fear of the “what ifs”. God has made me fight for my faith over the past year and a half in a way he hasn’t ever made me do before and let me tell you, it really sucks. Most of the time I feel like I am failing miserably. He has forced me to face hard questions, doubts, and fears. He’s given me no leeway in examining the deepest corners and crevices of my heart to find out what I really believe and just how much I want it. In all of this I have learned that I am weak without his power and I am even weaker without his grace. If he didn’t give me grace as I discover all of the ways in which I simply cannot do life merely out of my own volition, I wouldn’t have the resolve to change, grow, and press on. If He didn’t display His power so clearly in my life, I wouldn’t even have hope that one day I’d be standing on the mountain rather than crying out from the valley. I feel like everything I’ve written here makes it sound like I’m out of the valley. I’m not. This is not a story of victory; yet. It’s a story of a desert, a valley, and a few small streams throughout. Over the course of my faith journey I have learned to be grateful for the valleys and deserts and storms. Every single time I emerge from a season of life like this, God has done an incredible work in and around me. As Charles Spurgeon has famously said, “I’ve learned to kiss the waves that slams me into the Rock of Ages.” Amen to that. Yet, no, it does not give me “fullness of joy” to know that right now. I’m actually really over the struggle that this past year has been. I’m tired of fighting. I’m weary and worn. And honestly, it just all seems unfair. Nevertheless, I can see the sun breaking through the clouds when I stop to look at the joy and love that surrounds me and is poured into me everyday by so many people throughout so many parts of my life, I know that God is still working, that He has not forgotten me and never will. I see His love for me and others ever more clearly through the people He allows to surround me and speak into my life. I can surrender control and trust that He is good because I see His unfailing goodness in my life. Yes, I hate that so often I have to fight through a mess to see His provision and I absolutely resent that have to keep learning the same lessons over and over again, but I can honestly say that as long as it’s all for His glory, then, it is well. And maybe, just maybe I am wrong about it all. Maybe every Christian everywhere has it all wrong and none of this is real but as far as I’m concerned, if I get to the end of my life and there’s nothing waiting on the other side, I’d rather be able to say that I fiercely believed in a story of hope, redemption, restoration, and growth. A story that pushed me to love a little harder, to look for the good in others, to value others more and to learn how to apologize and get over myself. A story that gives me a reality check while also making me purposeful and secure in who I am. A story that helps me to find peace and courage in the storm. A story that never fails to reorient my heart toward all of the beautiful things of this life.
1 Comment
10/9/2017 07:49:18 am
This is beautiful! My favorite part is the last paragraph! I also fiercely believe in story of hope, redemption, restoration and growth. That's what keeps me loving and living. Much love to you on this rainy Monday which happens to be my favorite thing of all!
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Author4th grade teacher. Writer. Justice-seeker. Encourager. CrossFitter. John 11:40. Archives
July 2017
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