Currently I’ve landed, a bit shellshocked, in a place where I’m under the delusion that EVERYTHING needs my attention. EVERYTHING needs an answer, and it is absolutely imperative that all of the everythings happen right. now.
I don’t know if it’s because over the last month I’ve sorted through some major changes in a few areas of my life or if it’s just one of those fleeting seasons where everything it just happening all at once and it doesn’t seem like life is ever going to relent. Whatever is going on, it can get overwhelming. But, as I sit in stillness to sort of all of the pieces in what will probably prove to be a vain attempt to adequately assemble them; I realize that I have also landed directly in the center of one of the only things I’ve felt called to my entire life. Now, by landed, I mean wrestled, fought, doubted but finally followed God headfirst into where I am right now. Then proceeded to wrestle, fight, and doubt some more - as expected. For as long as I can remember I’ve always wanted to be two things: a teacher, and a mom. Right now, I am one of those things - and then some. I am a teacher, a coach, counselor, mentor. By His unmerited grace alone, God has allowed me to have far more influence than I ever even asked for or wanted. I have been nowhere near perfect in any of those roles but He knew that from the start and yet, He drew me to every one of those endeavors with a pull that I couldn’t, and still can’t, deny. Every person he has entrusted to my influence makes me believe in the goodness of our God, the vast, undeserved trust He has in me, and the part I play within the greater web of humanity. Yet, lately I’ve found myself forgetting about all of those things I just wrote and instead I’ve been wanting more. More recognition, different parts to play, different - I don’t know, just a change from where I am. I’m not sure if ungratefulness, doubt, discontent, or a lack of belief in what I’ve been currently called to has settled in my heart. Maybe a combination of all of those. On top of change, and feeling overwhelmed by #allofthethings, my faith has also been stuck in the worst desert-like place for months. When reading Ephesians 1 a few nights ago in a desperate attempt to get back to the kind of faith I once had, my heart stopped and embraced verses 17-19 like I’ve never set eyes on these words before. Which honestly, maybe I hadn’t. In this portion of his letter, Paul wrote to the people of Ephasus, “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” Check. Mate. In the midst of this season that I was/am in, what I needed and still need most was wisdom and revelation through the Spirit. More than that I needed my heart to be softened, and opened again, reminded of the hope that I have been called to. I needed to believe again that I have a glorious inheritance through my belief in Christ. More than even all of that, I needed to know God again, and I needed to know Him better than I ever have before. Moreover, I needed to believe again in myself and the place that God has me in right now. Beyond that I needed to believe again that He made me, that He has and will continue to sustain me and carry me and rescue me - when I invite him to. Those verses turned into my only prayer that night. A day later, I found my eyes open to the goodness of what I’ve been entrusted with in my life right now, and confident in the hope I have of my days beyond this one. I am done believing the lie that there’s something missing in my life, or that what God has given me right now is not nearly enough. Because this week, God has shown me that in the midst of the great uncertainty I’m facing over various aspects of my life, He has already come through in other parts of that very same life to show me that I can be trusted, that I am able to make wise decisions, and that hope renders me capable of doing so with grace, patience, and peace. Scripture is powerful. God answers prayer. He does not delay.
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Author4th grade teacher. Writer. Justice-seeker. Encourager. CrossFitter. John 11:40. Archives
July 2017
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